Anishinaabe leaders approve oil pipeline through Governor’s mansion

On the lighter side, a friend sent me the above spoof. Here’s a news story to go with it.

Update: The wonderful satirical image and headline published above was produced by Tyler Martindale for THENORDLY.COM. I was inspired to write an accompanying news article, below. I apologize to TheNordly for not providing attribution in the original post.

Anishinaabe Leaders Approve Oil Pipeline Through Governor’s Mansion

AP — Anishinaabe Press

Anishinaabe leader’s today approved the Route Permit and Certificate of Need for the Enbridge Line 3 pipeline through the Governor’s St. Paul mansion.

Gov. Tim Walz expressed deep frustration with the process. Anishinaabe leaders had promised him “meaningful consultation” in the matter, he said, but little changed: “This is where I live,” he fumed. “This is my home.”

Anishinaabe leaders said they met with Walz and his staff multiple times and offered them many opportunities to speak at public hearings. They took Walz’s concerns seriously, they said. For example, they announced plans today to reroute the pipeline away from Walz’s living room and study. It will run through his front door instead.

The reroute now means the pipeline will bisect Walz’s kitchen. A future oil spill would wreck his frozen pizzas and fresh fruit, said the exasperated executive.

Enbridge pipelines have a history of spilling. Line 3’s Environmental Impact Statement didn’t model the damage from a major oil spill in the Governor’s kitchen. However, an Enbridge spokesperson said the Governor didn’t need to worry because only state-of-the-art pipelines would run through his house and no spills were expected.

The Minnesota Department of Commerce determined there was no proof the pipeline was needed, Walz said. “Anishinaabe leaders never even considered the ‘no build’ option.”

Anishinaabe leaders said they followed the process and Gov. Walz needed to accept the outcome. “This was a “legitimate, lengthy and very public decision-making process,” they said.

In a related action, Anishinaabe leaders approved a key Line 3 permit under Section 401 of the federal Clean Mansions Act (CMA).

“We have used sound science and thorough analysis to ensure that necessary safeguards are in place to protect the Governor’s mansion,” the leaders said in a statement. “These permits require Enbridge to meet the highest safety standards for mansion crossings. The permits are strong, enforceable, and protective.”

Once construction is complete, Enbridge will be required to provide mansion mitigation.

Walz has announced plans to sue to overturn the Line 3 permits in the Minnesota Court of Appeals. Unfortunately for the Governor, construction through the mansion will start before his case is heard. Without a stay in construction, pipeline work could be done before the court reaches a decision.


UPDATE: In related news, the Onion is reporting: Tearful Justin Trudeau Chains Self To Keystone Pipeline To Stop Biden Administration From Destroying Oil Industry Heritage Site.

Please support Indigenous-led efforts to Stop Line 3. Here are options.

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